i’m trying to understand it’s not that deep.

it’s never that deep.

it shouldn’t have to drown you and you should be able to breathe. you shouldn’t get choked up just trying to get words out. is it water? is the water drowning you? does the water enter your body from the outside and fill your lungs until you can no longer breathe? or does your own body spontaneously close your trachea because it mistakenly thinks it’s the best self preservation tactic against some imaginary threat that does not exist?

you tell yourself “it’s not that deep”, as some kind of promise to your brain, as if this wasn’t the same organ that made all these self destructive decisions sixty seconds ago.

you’re officially choking. gasping for air. you try to breathe. where is the water coming from? nowhere. you touch your clothes with your remaining energy supply. completely dry. so, no water. no filled lungs. empty. is there an oxygen shortage? nope. nothing. you try to look at the people around you. waking normally. breathing. there is no threat. are they sure? look again. really? it’s safe. you breathe. it’s not that deep. is it ever that deep? were you really choking? you really were choking. i really was choking. it was that deep. was it not? i don’t understand.